好累噢...

心情，有点down。

想去透透气、散散心，放松心情。

但口袋却不允许。

好烦，真的好烦。

到底该怎么办才好？

有时候在想，是自己不够努力吗？

为什么别人都那么有成就而自己却不怎么样。

难道是我的求生能力有问题吗？

也许是自己太懒了也不一定。

不过真的好烦哦，都不懂自己要的到底是什么。

以前觉得，有份工作能养活自己就好了。

但现在，生活其实没那么简单。

不是你说，你想要的，就能要。

我想努力，但我不懂该怎么努力。

想追求自己想要的，但却没有能力。

我到底该怎么办啊。。。

忽然的，我觉得好迷惘，好迷惘

该去哪里，该怎么走，该怎么做？

我真的不知所措。

是我做错选择了吗？

是我选错环境了吗？

我真的不懂在这里我能做什么。

好勉强，真的好勉强。

有时，会让我自己觉得自己一无是处。

感觉好像做什么都做不好。

其实这样很难过的。

真的很难过，很难过。。

想让自己变更好，但目前好像没有办法。

好想去放空啊！

真的，好想 :(

怎么办？到底该怎么办？

有谁可以教教我？

Thinking about Love

假如没有顾虑，我会告诉你：我喜欢你

假如没有担忧，我会告诉你：我想和你在一起

假如不是自己给了自己期限，我会告诉你：我们交往吧

其实我才22岁，却想找个人安定下来。我不是缺爱，也不是怕寂寞。为什么那么想嫁我自己其实也不知道。总觉得，身边有个人可以分享我生活中的喜怒哀乐，是一种福分。

但其实我也喜欢单身，不受他人约束，自由的做自己。

对，就是这样，把自己处于一个非常矛盾的状态当中。

一个月前，和一个交往了一年半的男朋友分手了。一个不会疼爱你的人，不管你付出了多少，他还是学不会爱你。倒不如放手，学着洒脱，好好爱护自己。

而最近，认识了一个人。他，成熟大方、风度翩翩、平易近人。基本上，和他在一起时，我不觉得压力，反倒觉得轻松。一天里的某些时刻，会想到他，会想和他聊聊天。和他外出过三次，看戏+晚餐两次，而那一次就是真正见面的第一次。可是最近，也许是自己在忙、对方也忙，俩人开始少了聊天。我竟然会想念和他聊天的时刻、想念着和他见面的时刻。我不敢一直一直的主动找他，我不懂他对我的想法是什么。也许他会觉得我很烦还是什么的，我不敢确定。

其实，我自己给了自己一个期限，就是一年单身不恋爱，沉淀沉淀自己，看看外面的世界。然而我现在觉得，自己下期限下太早了。很多时候，很多事情都是随遇而安的。不过不打紧，单身一年就一年，假如是我的缘分，不管等多久，他还是我的缘分。假如不是，那就随遇而安。其实也有对自己说过，假如这一年间，都一直有和他保持着联系，一年后就交往。不过，当然也是要看对方的意愿，我不会去强迫。

那么，现在就好好修炼和修养自己吧… 过一个自己一直想要的生活~~~

下雨天里，最温暖的，莫过于一杯热腾腾的饮料

可否想过，自己向往的爱情究竟是如何的？我相信，这是每个人都会有的问题。我向往的爱情是美满的、幸福的、快乐的、无忧无虑的、无约束的，等等等等。但现实生活中，真的有如童话般的爱情吗？其实，每个人都知道这问题的答案是，没有。对，童话般的爱情不可能出现在现实生活中。

我谈过几场恋爱，维持最久的只是一年半，最短的也只有两个月。最爱那个，交往了半年，却因距离分开了，假如时间可以重来，我可能不会离开他。而交往了一年半的那个，却是最不成熟的一个。原以为和他会到结婚、会到以后、会到老，但最后还是结束了。结束了也好，自己也解脱了。

恢复了自由身，感觉是不错。但，偶尔的还是会遐想，有个人陪、有个人疼你，会是怎么样的呢？其实恋爱很简单，就好像在下雨天里，最温暖的，莫过于一杯热腾腾的饮料。有时我们所追求的爱情，往往不是适合我们的。就比如说，大热天里，我们却披上风衣。那不是折磨自己、让自己难受吗？那到底怎么样才是适合自己的恋爱呢？其实我也说不上来。不过，我要的，是一个能与我相扶相持的人、一个愿意和我同甘共苦的人、一个在我需要时会陪我的人，当然，在他需要时我也一定会陪伴在他身边，我要的是一个与我相互了解、相互包容、相互体谅的人。我不怕困难，我只怕明明是两个人却要一个人面对。

我不需要一个完美的人，因为我也不是个完美的人。我需要的是一个能与我融合的人，一个能与我一起生活的人，一个愿意陪我到老的人。

Some Thought.

As the time passing by, feeling each day older than the day before...... lot of things happening and happened, lot of thoughts running through...... Just a minute or only a second of realization, I'm changing each day, whether good or bad...... You gotta accept something that you've no idea how to actually accept but only to accept it like seriously. You're not sure whether are you mature or just ignorant, for things that happen foolishly, you have no idea to prevent but to let it happen right in front of your eyes. You know you should do something but the situation just won't let you to do so. At that moment of time, you learned, you learned how just keep it off from you and stand aside. You thought you're strong enough to let go but that things will stay in your mind and bother you unexpectedly. Whether or not, you have to choose to forgive and let go even if you don't want to.

Most of the time I’m actually thinking, if I could control the things happening around me, it would be good but I know I don’t have any of that ability. What I could only do is, change myself and accept the reality. I would like to say accept the truth but apparently I’m confused if it’s the truth, so I would only say it’s only reality. People around you are changing every day, included yourself as I said earlier. Even sometime the person you’re closest to will do things that you don’t wish to happen. What you can really do is only accept and forgive. Yes, accept and forgive. Otherwise you’re the one who bear the pain.

I wish every of my friend wouldn't get hurt and always stay happy. Yet, something will just ruin your wish like nobody. You can only watch it, accept it and forgive. Even if you lend a hand to help, people will think that you’re harming them. Or they will just ignore your help and continue their path which I cannot bear when I know they’re facing real difficulties. That’s what people always say, reality. I wish I never have to deal with all these. I wish my life could be very simple. I wish everything goes well. I wish I could still make things out with people. I wish I had never cares so much. I wish everything will be at place. I wish, that’s only I wish. When things come I still gotta face it.

Sometimes, I wish life can be a little bit simple for me to catch it and live it. Now, I really wish to take a break and escape from the reality and get in touch with the nature and not to think a thing. Just to relax my mind and get some breathe. However, I still needed to face the reality and solve the problems.

Lord, please give me wisdom and strength to go through the life’s difficulties. 

Changes In My Life - Walk with God

Never thought that I'll do this kind of thing in my life. It's really a great and huge changes in my life. I fell once very very hard, even I almost give up on myself. However, God took me up and strengthen me. 

Well, full time for me is actually for those who's very strong in spirit and very close with God. I ever thought to work in full time but I don't even prepare for that. Until last year, 2012, end of the year, a leader came to me and talked to me and asked whether I want to join The Ambassadors Programme. Back to home I went to ask my parents, they agreed and support me. Then I started to pray for that, and I summit the form to my Priest in charge. While I'm waiting for the acceptance, I continued to pray and pray. And lastly, I'd been accepted! A new journey of my life began. I know it wouldn't be easy, I know it will be tough and rough but I will learn to rely on Him, my Lord. 

I've went through my first cycle of the course and practical. I learnt a lot and experience a lot. I'd also passed my theological exam. My life now is totally different than before, really different. I'm very glad that I've made this changes in my life. God is always by my side whenever I need or I don't. He won't let me face those hard moments alone. I'm so secure!  

Now, I'll hold Him tightly and never let Him go. I'll lay my life in His hands for Him to use and equip! 

Lord, Show me Your way

Tell me what's right, what's wrong. Tell me which is true, which is fake. Teach me how to make a decision. Teach me how to sure that I'm in the right way. Sometimes I just feel so tired, lot of things that tiring me, made me feel so lost, but I know you're always there for me. Please show me your way in my life. I need it to be my guide line. Sometimes I'm feeling depressed, everything seems to be the matters that may blow up my mind. Sometimes I might feel not myself, just like a doll, have no spirit inside and do things aimlessly. Every of this just make me feel so tired and tiring me always. I may wish to cry hard just to vent it out, but it seems so hard to me. I can't cry in front of my staff, they may think I'm weak and useless; I can't cry in front of my family, they may worried and I can't give them a reason; i can't cry in front of my friends, even ya they also can't help in any. I may wish to cry when I'm alone. It's need to be release out from me, but I just found it so hard. I come to you in silence, but You know what's wrong with me. I may can't tell what happen with me, but You know everything. You know my weakness, You know me well. When I can't speak in tongue, when I keep in silent, I come before you, You know what I need, You know what I want to tell. When everything blowing me up, Lord, please bring me to you. I found peace when I come to you, You comforted me. I need You so much! I am just not myself when I am without You. You made the real me, You build the whole me. Every time I come before You, You just let me feel free, You just take off all my burden. All I need to do is just stay beside You, listen to Your words and live it out. Lord, thank You for always being there for me whenever I need or I don't. Lord, please tell me Your plan in my life and be with me always, I can't work it out by myself but with You. Lord please lead me, guide me, tell me what to do next. I will and I can do it by the strength You've given me. Thank You Lord for everything. Amen!

~~Clear~~

Hmmm~~ Sometimes.. It's just very easy to love someone.. But when you want to leave.. You'll found that's so hard...

I love someone so much before.. I really do.. When I know that we are not longer could be together.. I'm been hurt... Really hurt so so deep... I choose to leave... But it is too hard for me..

Somehow.. When I know that he is still loving me... I'm really really happy.. We just like back to before.. The way we talk are just same as before... I'm thinking that we still have chance.. Can be together just like before... But I totally did not expect that he will hurt me the second times... Actually he had hurt me three times... Hmm... He say... I love you.. But we really cannot be together.. I could not understand... He say we can't be together.. Why still want to tell me that he still love me.. I really can't understand... He say.. Hope I can found a nicer boyfriend.. Okay! Don't he know that I love him very very much?! Whatever...

My friend told me... Let it go.. Just let it go... Don't hold it tightly.. It's will hurt you more deeper..

Thinking what my friend had told me.. Thinking that why I'm so stupid.. Waiting in a love that have no result.. What my friend told me is true... Why don't I just let it go.. This guy had hurt me three times! Why don't I just let it go.. Then I could be free.. Hmm..

It's easy to love.. Also hard to let it go... But think clearly.. It's not really hard to let go too... Just see what's the way you take... I take a easier way for me.. I love you .. I really do... But it just not same as before.. =]

I'm clear with what I walking in now... =]

~~Love is good all the time~~